The Life – Mr. Hko – Page 8

HOW TO BREAK FREE FROM AN UNDESIRABLE (TOXIC) HABIT

At some point in our lives, we battle with some habits (some are picked from environment and others are somewhat inherent (inherited).
Some habits that we battle with have a seriously adverse psychological toll on our general well being and sometimes becomes clinical or mental. Habits once formed, becomes extremely difficult or sometimes impossible (you live with it) to break free from them, so it is very important how we nurture certain behaviors or interests we have started developing or entertaining. Of course, we have good habits or character traits such as eating well, exercising, Patience, humility, politeness, punctuality, mildness, tolerance and many others which are very fine and worth emulation.
However, some habits or character traits are toxic and may be detrimental to our personal development (health) and may affect our relationship with others (family, friends, marriage partners)
Some habits or character traits which are toxic and may be precarious are, Anger, impatience, Masturbation, intolerance, lack of self control, theft, and many others we could even lose count of.
We can all attest to the fact that, non of the bad habits brings happiness. They rather increase our predicaments an leave us unhappy and lonely.
What then can we do to break free from such habit, so that we live a fruitful life and to have a better relationship with our family, friends and loved ones…?
The following are practical ways to break free from any sort of undesirable habit or character traits.

Clearly Define Who You Are or Wants to Be.
The first thing to do in the quest to fight any wrongful desire or habit you might have developed is to clearly make a definite statement about who you are or wants to be. What it means is that, you have to set strong principles and guidelines for yourself as a human being. You should have a concrete set of personal goals and try to stay by them with integrity. You may write exactly what habits you want to eschew an those you want to maintain in your diary, or paste them somewhere you see each morning. Read them always and creat a mental picture of what you have written and keep reminding your conscience of it. That is integrity. Let Integrity be all you are about, and strictly stay by it.
When a person has integrity and a set of principles well defined, he or she will never do anything to compromise his or her stance on whatever he dislikes including engaging in and developing bad or toxic habits.
Always Anticipate
This is like always being on the watch, always Awake, and being cautious Beforehand to the start of each day. After Spelling out your principles in life and sworn to live with integrity, you must always be alert (Prior Anticipation) This is a mental preparation prior to any incident that might induce you to exhibit wrongful habits. For example you started watching a movie and you are fighting the habit of watching pornography and masturbation. Immediately a romantic scene pops up you have already decided to take it off(Anticipated), so as soon as it is about popping up, you change the channel. A mind which is not prepared beforehand will be difficult to resist such temptations, and the habit will continue and harm you. You can’t break free if you don’t anticipate possible occurrence and build up mechanisms to fight that particular habit.
So ask yourself: Will where I am going to, what I’m about to watch, the person I’m going to hang out with, the food I’m going to eat, the dress I’m going to wear, etc, trigger a bad habit of mine and subsequently making me sin or engage in bad or toxic habits or behaviors? The answers you give will make you Anticipate prior to any occurance that might lead to a wrongful habit.
Win from Relapses

Relapse basically means repeating (consciously or unconsciously) something you have vowed not to do again. Sometimes we may swear Heaven and Earth not to, for instance, be extremely angry when our partner provokes us, or not to masturbate the whole week. Sooner than later, we would find ourselves doing the same thing you vowed 30 minutes ago not to do. That is called a Relapse. It is worthy to note that, a Relapses of any sort of habit is normal. Don’t severely judge yourself as a loser. It is part of the process of breaking free from that dangerous habit. It does not take a split seconds to stop a carefully developed habit so give your self time and don’t beat yourself to death even if you Relapse. Know that it’s part of the process. So never give up if you disappointed yourself, as it were. In case of a Relapse, Just keep going improving.

Develop “Time Consuming” Activities
Most often than not, some of the bad habits pops up when we are idle. I guess many of them have come to your mind. Yes, never be idle. Involve in an exercise, eat a balanced diet, read a lot, write a lot, and become busy with things that are profitable.
Reward Yourself
This is a very excellent way of compensating yourself of being able to stay let say a whole week without being excessively angry or provoked, without watching porn, without masturbating, without stealing, etc. Give yourself a reward!!! Buy yourself something. It may be a drink, food , a dress, etc. and give them to yourself as a form of reward for your endurance of not giving in to any bad or toxic habit for a period of time.
Confine in Someone
It may be an Elderly person, a Counselor, or a Mental Health Expert, or a Clinical and Behavioral Psychologist.
Elders may have battled with whatever you are going through currently before and might tell you what helped them to fight that bad habit. Be selective and choose a trustworthy elderly fellow whom you could trust and confine in. Mental health experts and Psychologists may also be of immense help. They could help you to come off this behavior and actually set you free.
The God Factor
Yes, there may be a spiritual dimension to every happening and relying on God and abiding by the principles found in the Bible or your preferred spiritual book can be of a great source of help, coupled with sincere petition (prayers) to the supreme being.
You cannot win only with this without making a conscious effort to undergo all the steps ( 1 – 6) listed above. Prayer gives us confidence that we will win, “then we put our confidence to action”

In conclusion, we should understand that it is very very difficult to break free from a habit once formed, and sometimes it is sad that we live with them fighting them forever. So it is extremely prudent to be selective of the kind of friends we keep, desires we nurture and everything that we do that could make us develop wrongful or toxic habits. Nevertheless, with a strong mind, determination and a conscious effort, you can win. Admit that these habits are toxic to you and are actually harming you. Then strive hard to win. Best regards and success to everyone fighting a battle that has become a thorn in the flesh

Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor)

SHOULD I TELL MY HUSBAND I CHEATED?

SHOULD I TELL MY HUSBAND I CHEATED?

To discuss the issue of cheating, the causative factors and effects would take us a lifetime.
In fact, cheating is a very serious condition and the psychological consequence of a way a partner expresses dissatisfaction, depression or a lack of emotional need.
We should endeavor never to cheat or to be cheated on. Either way is very dangerous.

As a woman, cheating should be the last thing you would ever try on your partner.

What if you cheated?
Well, cheating does not mean only sex. If you entertain another man, chat him, kiss him or do anything intimately with another man other than your partner it is called cheating
Supposing you cheated by specifically having sexual intercourse with another man. What should you do? Should you report? Should you keep it as a secret forever?.If you are a married woman and due to some reasons you cheated on your partner, consider the following before you decide to spill the beans or not.

Do I have any chance of meeting this person again?
If yes, then you must report, because another occurrence is possible.
If no, then consider protecting the feeling of your husband (You sometimes become selfish if you report things like cheating because, reporting may set you free, but you put your husband in emotional torture or bondage, so think through well.) and keep it, and make sure you never repeat it. If there is a possibility of meeting him again, perhaps he is a workmate or neighbor, then you should seek serious help and confess so your husband will be on the lookout for you even though he might get hurt.
Is your guilt affecting your marriage and even killing you inside?

Excessive guilt means you have something you need to expose and clear in your head so you become happy yourself. You need to be sound in mind to carry out your duties as a married woman. Keeping this might just weigh you down and seeking sincere forgiveness from your spouse will help you. If you vow never to do it again and you are emotionally balanced then you might want to consider moving on without tormenting your husband with this selfish act. Never repeat it and mean it!!!

What caused it?
If the cheating was as a result of your husband’s poor treatment of you or irresponsible life of your husband then you must tell him what his actions have led you to do. If the man is level headed, and mature, he will accept responsibility and try to treat you right. Never hide it. Because if you hide it, then he wouldn’t know what he is doing and the harm he is causing with his irresponsible lifestyle towards you. It may also be due to lack of sex. So, as you tell him, I believe he would sit up and do better.
Is it a weakness on your part or exclusively your own fault?

If it is your own desire, and your husband does whatever necessary as a husband an you still cheated, then you should report immediately. Weaknesses are with any human and we need help. Confession and sincere readiness to face the consequences for change are very important. You might seek the help of a mental health expert or a counselor so that you come off such unfortunate desire or situation.

No matter what you decide to do – to report or not, as soon as you cheat, your marriage will never be the same as you stand a high risk of losing your partner.No matter what challenges you face, be open and discuss with your partner, devoid of ego, so that you would come to a mutual concensus.Never hide a sincere need or feeling. Communication is everything in marriage

Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor)

FIVE BEST WAYS TO PUNISH A WOMAN IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BEAT OR ABUSE HER

When a river or stream that produces good and clean water turns out to produce dirty water suddenly, abandoning the stream will never improve the situation. The solution is to look for the cause of the problem and solve it and restore the Water back to good condition. Nowadays, people always focus more on a problem and complain about it, without seeking for the source.In many cases men have been judged for beating their partners but nobody wants to hear what the wife might have done.I’m not here to campaign and support physical violence in any form, but I want to advise you on how to manage unavoidable issues that might lead to physical violence in your relationship.You may be thinking “what about forgiveness” yes, forgiveness is a very important thing in every relationship, but it’s worthless if the offender refuse to yield from the same mistake or attitude. If you keep seeking for forgiveness and still continue to repeat the same offense, just know that you are an emotional assassin.Men please listen, no one will ever care about what your wife did once you raise your hand on her, these are the best way to handle her without physical violence.

BE PATIENT

Whenever she begins to show any sort of drama just keep looking at her and never say a word, because once you do it will increase her vibe as if you pour petrol on fire. She will find reasons to talk more as you keep defending or arguing, I bet you can’t win a lady in a verbal challenge, so you would end up hitting her especially, if you are a narcissist and things easily affect your ego.

EXCUSE HER

One of the best ways to handle your wife’s temper is by excusing her, because once she notices she’s shouting on her self, she’ll think twice. Also that will help you to clear your head and regain focus easily.

APOLOGIZE

“I’m sorry” is one of the most powerful phrases ever to exist, believe me you don’t know the power until you try.

SHOW HER MORE LOVE

Two wrongs they say can never make a right, even in Chemistry, like terms repel, so in this case when ever she turns out to display any provoking act, show are more love by kissing her, telling her you love her, buying her gifts, in short be romantic.

AVOID THIRD PARTY

Third party can never help relationships matters, they can even make it worst because it makes your partner feels like you casting her to the world, and showing people her weakness.There have been so many cases where third party ends up using the loop in the relationship to snatch the husband or wife, so always learn to work things out within yourselves.This might not sound like the answer you’re expecting, but I always want you to know that, you can’t solve relationships problems caused by emotional disturbances with physical solutions. I’ll never be an element of separation to what God has joined together.

IS IT LOVE OR YOUR PARTNER IS USING YOU?

IS IT LOVE OR YOUR PARTNER IS USING YOU?
Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor)

Love is a very pleasant feeling and it means life, if we experience it genuinely without hidden interests from each partner.
As married couples or courting couples, especially with the latter, it is very important we be on the lookout for the following indicators of a partner who is only shrowded in using you, which you might consider as love or even overlook but must be very careful with because they might not be genuinely in love with you and are just using you. The following are the signs that your partner does not actually love you, but is using you for personal gratification.

Do you continually seek your partners approval?
Before you met each other, you might both have several experiences in the past or even things you both love to do. If a person is always afraid to do what they love and is constantly looking out for things to do to seek his/her partners approval, then it is likely your partner may not be genuine. Partners who use people often need to be in control. He / she operates in an aloof position.
Do you neglect activities your partner disapprove of but jumps into endeavors he/she endorses?
When she / he likes something, we quickly support them but we tend to be afraid to venture into our own dreams and desires. If you are constantly seeking the endorsement of your partner before you do things you genuinely love or things of great gains to you, but quickly approves of theirs without questioning, then you should know they might just be using you.
Does your partner’s actions contradicts their words?
Your partner told you how they were fond of cats for instance, and even swore to get one for the home and that they could even sleep with it. Few weeks later you were able to rescue a cat on your way home and she yells at you to return that “thing”(cat) to wherever you picked it from an that they don’t want to even see it. That partner is not genuine and you should beware!
Do you find yourself trying too hard
Imagine you and your partner were supposed to meet a friend or a relative of theirs and you become so worried of even the dress you wear because you know your partner might disapprove or perhaps be angry at the slightest mistake you do that causes their own kind of disapproval or dissatisfaction.
Did your partner want to know everything about you but seems indifferent now?
Initially she was eager to know everything about you and perhaps your family. As time went on, she became indifferent and didn’t really care about what goes out or comes, in your personal life and family. She suddenly become disinterested. It is a sign to tell you that your partner may not be genuine and is using you. Watch out!
Are you in constant fear or obliged to always please their wish at their Beck and call?
It is true as partners you would want to willingly and genuinely do things to make your partner happy, but when you find yourself internally afraid of disappointing her and always doing things to please them, then your partner may not be genuine or they might be using you. You should be able to do what you love as well and your partner should not make you emotionally unstable about her needs. “You should be free to make your own mistakes” with your partner being fully supportive. They should be ready to understand that sometimes it’s not all about them but you, and that you need to be happy too by doing things your own way.

Well, just so you know, if your answer to the questions proves that your partner falters in any of them, then it’s high time you realized that they may come off as partners who don’t actually love you but are just using or controlling you for their own gains.

BEING MENTALLY STRONG BEATS BEING PHYSICALLY STONG

WHY WE NEED TO BE MENTALLY STRONG MORE THAN EVER
(Mr. HKO, Grammarian, Counselor)

If you are going through hell, Keep going– Winston Churchill.
This is an extremely good advice from Winston Churchill.
Life is very hard and could be a kind of hell sometimes for anyone at all. Just don’t give up, victory is just at the corner.
What’s interesting to me is that, in a world full of softies, cultivating mental resilience provides an incredible advantage. By building the ability to stick it out as those around us give way, we are setting ourselves up for success.
The following are Five (5) Ways to be Mentally Strong.

Swallow the Elephant.
We all appreciate how Elephants are tough and large. Troubles and challenges in life may come in the form of ‘Elephants’ and if care is not taken it will swallow or eat us up. This include the loss of a loved one, the loss of job, huge financial debts, a thorny husband or wife, an unfaithful friend or colleague, serious financial crises or poverty, chronic illness and so on and so forth.
We need to conquer these by rather swallowing the Elephant; Never let it swallow you. Build up defensive walls within to conquer the fear. Just have a strong conviction that you are going to “Swallow this temporal Elephant”. Do not fret!
Visualize Success
Create a mental picture in your subconscious mind and imagine victory as the outcome of whatever you might be going through. Just talk to your inner being and give it constant reassurance. Know and believe you shall overcome this challenge and that you are already victorious.
Emotional Control
Many a time when we are faced with challenges or serious problems, our body tends to shake and tremble with fear. We become unstable and weep, to say least. We act as if all is over. It is very important to take control of your emotions despite what you see or hear. Remain calm and take a very deep breath. Most often than not, we exaggerate reports and happenings in our own minds – they always tend not to be the case! Just remain optimistic.
Small Victories
Try to see small advantages or victories in whatever we face in life as a big deal. Just imagine losing a huge some of money due to a wrong business deal. Suddenly, you have a phone call from a friend who sympathises by given you 1/100 of the total sum of money that had gone down the drain. You should take this as a very huge victory and centre your happiness on that and just forget about the huge sum. Don’t think too much and always remember to appreciate “small victories”
Find your Neccesity
The truth of the matter is Humans don’t mind hardship, in fact they thrive on it, what they mind in not feeling Necessary. Modern society always make people not feel necessary and it’s time this stopped!
That is why being empathetic to humans means a lot! We need to make people feel necessary by given them all the support they need in the challenges that they face. To remain Mentally Strong, we ought to Find our own necessity if others do not give us. This makes us cheerful and strong within to fight what is without.

Never forget that “Success” belongs to Mentally Strong people and being mentally strong always beat being physically or socially strong.

POWER OF CALMNESS AND SILENCE

Being calm about everything in life allows your mind to find solutions. Calmness is also a state of trust. Instead of overthinking and overreacting, you just surrender for that moment and allow yourself to receive guidance for what doesn’t make sense. There is a lot of wisdom in calmness since it gives way to open possibilities of various ideas or reactions and their subsequent effects. When we rush and jump into defence on an event or confrontations, we tend to make a lot of mistakes that we regret later as things unfold to reveal truths or facts, which we may not be aware of. A person who lacks the virtue of calmness always finds him or herself apologizing. Always endeavor to have full details of reports and events in life before you react to them; they may not necessarily be as serious as you were made to hear or know it. Don’t just react to every situation. Win with calmness.

Like Calmness, there is a great deal of maturity and wisdom in silence. How? First of all, anytime a person is silent, he or she enjoys the peace calmness brings. When issues crop up in marriages, our dealing with friends or at the workplace and we keep silent, it allows us to build a strong defence and ideas to deal with those challenges later on. Silence helps us to calm the brains and our thinking faculties to know exactly how to respond and to avoid saying unnecessary things which we might regret later. Silence can never be misquoted. It simply implies that when we don’t utter a word during heated arguments or confrontations, the other party would not be able to counter your intentions and plans or to misunderstand you. Silence is actually loud. This theory and oxymoron also suggests that when one remains silent, it actually means there are thousands of ideas or word embedded in that person. Anything you utter could easily be be counted cheap and be used against you in future; Always think through first before you act. Indeed, silence is golden.

10 DEMYSTIFIED MYTHS ABOUT LIFE

10 MYTHS ABOUT LIFE
(MR. HKO, Grammarian, Counsellor)

Humans face great disappointments and despair in life due to how they have obliviously perceived life to be, worse, how they have been told about it (consciously or unconsciously programmed to see it)

It is a mistake to think life is a pleasure; it brings misery. Pleasure and misery, both are the side of the same coin. As you cannot find a coin with a single side, so you cannot fine a life full of pleasure (happiness) without pain.
It is a mistake to think that the goal of life is to be successful (rich) and amass properties for oneself and family. The ultimate goal of life (man) is KNOWLEDGE. Knowledge will help him never to miss what pain and pleasure have to teach him.
It is a mistake to think that the one who is ambitious and determined to pursue wealth and involves themselves in a continuous struggle (hustle) to achieve power or anything he desires understands the aim of life. Contrarily, these kind of people are dangerous of which society must be aware and cautious of.
It is a mistake to think that people will appreciate or recollect what we do for them. The more we strive hard to help people, the more we are prone to disappointment. Always anticipate that. Know that whatever you do for others is free. If they acknowledge, then it was out of free will (choice). They are never obliged to pay back.
It is a mistake to think that the more we oppress or hate a person, the more they fail or lose in life. The truth is, as more and more you keep hate or grudge against someone, the more he gets elevated in life.
It is a mistake to think that the level of love we give is the same we deserve to get. All love is unrequited. The more we understand that the less we demand anything of people. We just let them be, and only thrive on what we rather feel for them, to sustain the relationship.
It is a mistake to think that your children must grow up to cater for you. The truth is, you must rather cater for them from the time you decided to bring them forth to planet earth till they leave. Great disappointment awaits you if you don’t swallow this bitter pill. You are a parent (owner and caretaker) and forever you will be.
It is a mistake to think that the more we care and love people (our wives, husbands, children,etc.) , the more the they will in turn, love, understand and submit to us. It is worthy to note that, the more we do that, the more they feel they are in prison.
It is a mistake to think that when people (wives, dates, husbands, children, etc.) leave us, that becomes the end of our lives, so we strive to keep them, and fight for them. We should understand that, anytime something is released from us, it creates room for more (better) of such things to happen to us.
It is a mistake to think that complaining solves issues. Silence is a virtue which is more difficult and painful to cultivate than anything else in the world, especially when you feel a great need or desire to talk (complain). It is very difficult to exercise it, but very rewarding. It does not just solve present situations, but “speaks” for future events as well. Silence is Loud.

Life is simple, but not easy. Know the difference and always face what it presents with great absolute readiness.

DO YOU VIEW YOUR SUCCESS A DELAY?

If you see life as a race, you strive to be at the finish line quickly, just as any racer (athlete) does. What is the finish line of Life? Death. Would you want to get to it quickly?
So, live life cautiously and with great care, not rushing through any process and be your own yardstick of progress and success”
(Mr.Hko, Grammarian/counsellor)

Man always has an intrinsic desire to reach goals and aspirations as early as possible, partly to satisfy a burning desire, to please others or even cater for a genuine need. The truth is, Life is a process and a journey. Consider this imagery. Imagine you were tasked to assemble an electricl appliance and because for instance, you were eager to use it quickly so this made you assemble the parts without taking the pain to set each part at its right positions. What would happen if you switched it on to use? Your guess was as good as mine! It could explode or function poorly. When you grow a seed, it takes time to germinate. The kind of fertlie ground and climate you planted may all contribute to its growth. Comparing the rate at which your plant germinates with another in a different soil and climate would be very sad. Both conditions were different! That is how life should be approached. We should always measure our success based on our own abilities, conditions or provisions and just do our best to improve them. Never compare yourself to anything or anyone. Yes, it is also wisdom to know that life is pain and pleasure at the same time. Things may get touch and difficult. Do not be overly perturbed and see this as part of the journey. Take lessons from mistakes you commit and redefine yourself and principles always to do better in future. Remember, the finished line of life is Death, I hope you will get at it rather slowly and steadily.

WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SAD?

“There is always the innermost part (being) of us who is unhappy. Sadly we can’t find him.”
Mr. Hko (Grammarian,Counselor)

“No matter how happy we become, we never get satisfied”, says one renouned and rich man who lived in the United States of America. This assertion is quite true and it is quite lucid that we all can relate to. Yes, there is the bitter part of us who is always dissatisfied with what the soul achieves. It wages war with our conscience, effort, and well being in general. For instance, we may wish or yearn for something for ourselves and after we get it, we still feel unhappy. Same could be said of our loved ones. The promotion we prayed to God about on behalf of our loved one or friend has now become our greatest mistake or jealousy or even envy after our prayers were answered for that person. Yes, as human as we are, we always have a battle with this pathetic innermost self who is always unhappy.

HOW TO COPE WITH THE EVER GLOOMY BEING IN US.

We must accept the fact that bitterness is part of life and pain as well…Hence, we do well to be content with what ever life presents to us. Endeavor to always suppress the feeling or urge to get jealous or bitter of others no matter what. Keep reminding yourself how fortunate you are in all happenstance in life and learn to appreciate a big deal about everything. Yes, the gloominess may come but fight it with being optimistic and with a big smile.

BECOME A BETTER HUSBAND

7 Simple But Effective Ways to be a Better Husband. (Copied)

Do not talk to her as if she is one of the guys.

Listen to guy buddies talk about anything for more than five minutes and you likely will hear one of them let the other know that he is an idiot. When men talk with their male friends, they tend to be direct or even argumentative. They share their opinions freely and bluntly. They jokingly insult each other. They blast anything the other guy says that they do not like or agree with. They rarely stop to think, “Am I being insensitive? Could I possibly be hurting his feelings?” The guy code is to let the chips fall where they may.

Women are NOT like that.

If a husband talks with his wife in the same manner he talks with his buddies, his directness, bluntness, or argumentativeness may well cause her to feel disrespected or controlled. He thinks he is being honest and forthright. She feels he is being a jerk.

If you really want to be a better husband, understand that women speak a different language. Unless you learn to speak that language, you will never communicate on the deeper levels with her.

Make sure that she does not perceive you as controlling.

The most common complaint we hear from women in our workshops for marriages in crisis is that their husbands try to control them. Interestingly, the husband usually counters with his view that she is the controlling one.
Eyes open and behavior changes only when each person realizes that his or her motive is NOT the most important thing; it is what the other person perceives that matters. In marriages in which the man actually is controlling, he typically has no clue that he is because that is not his conscious intent. By speaking his mind, criticizing her when she does not comply with his thinking, and arguing with her to get his point across, he believes he is treating her well. There is no motive to hurt. He may actually believe his intent is to help.

Many wives finally give up and give in when that happens. The husband may think he convinced her to view things his way. Most of the time, it is anything but that. Tired of the conflict and feeling she is being treated as an inferior, she yields simply to stop the conflict. That builds resentment within her and with time, resentment detonates. In a non-published survey of married couples done in 2008, 21% of wives stated that their satisfaction with their husbands as a mate had decreased because he is controlling, disrespectful, and argues.

To make sure your wife does NOT feel that you control her, concentrate on her feelings about what you say and do. If she genuinely feels that you treat her as your equal, you are doing it correctly.

Romance is what she really wants.

In the same survey referred to above, 27% of wives stated that their level of sexual satisfaction had decreased because their husbands were not romantic, and that sex had become routine and boring.

While humans – both male and female – have need for sexual fulfillment, it appears that men may be more satisfied by the frequency of sex, but women may be more satisfied by the emotional relationship in sex. To be a better husband, think about becoming a Don Juan for your wife. Court her. Think of new and different scenarios that PRECEDE your sexual interaction. Make her feel wonderful about herself and make sex exciting not just by technique, but also by touching her heart first.

Listening is the key to her heart.

Few people – men or women – feel that anyone truly listens to them. If you wish to change the way your wife perceives you, increase her sexual satisfaction, and become in her mind the best man on earth, listen to her.

That means that you do not interrupt her with your stories, your thoughts on what she just said, or by changing the subject. Listen to her heart as well as her words. As she talks ask yourself, “What is she feeling as she tells me this?” Even more importantly, ask yourself, “What is the message she really wants me to hear?” Once she knows that you are genuinely interested in her views, thoughts, and feelings, you can actually ask her those questions. However, do NOT ask them until you know that she knows that you are trying to understand her, not correct her.

This one thing can change you into a better husband in one month: Each day spend at least a half-hour just listening to your wife talk. Turn off the TV, cellphones, and radios. Find a place where there are no distractions, including interruptions from your children. Look directly into her eyes, and then ask a couple questions to get her started. Comment only if she asks, or if you want better to understand something she just said. Show her that you enjoy hearing her talk, no matter how trivial the subject, because it helps you understand her better and love her more.

Time matters.

The old adage – which is not that old – that “quality time is more important than quantity of time” is ridiculous. Allowing work, hobbies, or other interests to keep you from spending time with your wife will, with time, deaden emotions.

You may have heard “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” From my experience with thousands of couples, I think the more accurate axiom is “absence makes the heart grow fonder for someone else.”

Make time just for the two of you. It will not happen if you do not make it happen. Plan it and do it.

Be her support, not her father.

The next time your wife comes home complaining about how someone treated her, do NOT tell her what she should have done, tell her what she should do, or offer to go deal with the problem yourself. Instead, listen, understand what she feels, and then give her the “poor baby.”

The “poor baby” is just what it sounds like. Let her know she has a right to feel hurt and that you are sorry it happened to her.

Unless she asks your opinion, or asks you to deal with the problem, do NOT offer to do so. You are not her father; you are her husband. Treat her as your equal. If she complains about a situation, your job is to listen, let her know you are on HER side (even if you think she did not handle things correctly, or that it was her fault) and that you are always there to support her. More than likely, she wants to forget the incident, but she needs validation that she has a right to feel hurt or angry. Give it to her.

Keep growing.

No husband or wife reaches perfection in his or her roles. There will be plenty of times throughout your marriage when you will make mistakes, say the wrong thing, or leave your dirty underwear lying on the bedroom floor. It happens to the best of husbands. But it is important to not let those moments of blunders define your marriage. Use every opportunity you can to continue to grow closer to your wife and learn more about her wants, needs, desires, and aspirations. Keep learning and growing. Just like a fine wine or aged cheese, marriage gets better over the years.