The Life – Mr. Hko – Page 7

LOVING YOUR PARTNER DESPITE FLAWS

Flaws are weaknesses and these weaknesses are in everyone. But your ability to understand that your partner has got weaknesses and so do you, will help you to accept him just as he/she is;.A response as such from your part pave way in tackling with issues which probably could jeopardize what you both shared after many years of devotion,commitment and much of investment e.g time. So think about this anytime your partner’s flaw becomes the bone of contention
Flaws are imperfection or weakness and especially one that detracts from the whole or hinders effectiveness. It could be the flaw in a person’s character. e.g pride
If you realize your partner displays this defect you don’t leave him or her because of that. Your love for your partner should ginger you to help them come out of that. It is that point in life he needs you most and you can’t disappoint them by leaving.
Mind you, never make a mockery of your partner with his weakness because you know. They need you to revive their lost hope,support them,your assurance that, they can do it and most importantly, your undying love despite pressure,circumstances,flaws etc.
Even in good relationships, about 70 percent of the conflicts are perennial ones that never get solved. At the root of these schisms are often qualities one partner has (or lacks) that irk the other person.

When it comes to improving your experience of your relationship, it can often be fruitful to become more accepting of your partner’s strengths and weaknesses, rather than to continue attempting to get them to change fundamentally.

Dealing with your partner’s flaws:

1. Reevaluate the seriousness of your partner’s flaws.
Sometimes, people get very annoyed by aspects of their partner that really aren’t that big of a deal. Yet they make a mountain out of a molehill. When frustration builds up, it’s easy to lose sight of that. For instance, you get annoyed about your partner’s struggles with technology and with being on time, but in the grand scheme of life, your frustration is out of proportion to how important these really are. In reality, your spouse is emotionally reliable and has many other good qualities that are fundamentally much more important than the ability to manage our smart home gadgets.

2. Acknowledge your own flaws.
What are the annoying qualities you have that your partner puts up with? In relationships, it’s easy to see everything through your own perspective. You might see all the ways your partner is irritating but conveniently forget about all the small ways which makes you a pain in the butt to live with or makes you become a thorn in the flesh.
What are three challenging qualities you have that your partner would like you to moderate, but you have no interest in doing so? What do you implicitly (or explicitly) ask them to accept about you? For example are you pretty fussy and controlling, but your spouse is quite accepting all these qualities (more than most people would be!).

3. Consider why particular flaws irk you so much.
When one of your partner’s weaknesses irks you, it can be mostly because of something extra you’re reading into. For instance, you are the type that values people keeping their minds agile, and being up-to-date with technology is part of that.
You also value using good planning to reduce stress, but the reality is, your partner doesn’t get as stressed out by running late as you do.
Take a hard look at the extra meanings you’re adding on to your frustration about your partner’s flaws. If you tend towards anxiety, their flaws might activate anxiety for you then. If you tend to feel uncared about (typically because of your past experiences), then their flaws may activate those feelings. Try to disentangle these extra meanings from your reactions to their behavior.
People who tend towards taking too much responsibility (which frequently goes hand-in-hand with anxiety) often get frustrated with themselves that they can’t figure out how to get their partner to change. This is one type of extra meaning it can be useful to let go of. If

If you step back and get perspective, you can turn down the intensity of your emotional reactions, feel more appreciative and move on to thinking about practical solutions for how you can minimize the impact of your differences. This doesn’t tend to be a one-and-done process, but one you’ll need to revisit periodically whenever you feel frustration or resentment building up in a mostly-good relationship.

4. Consider whether your partner should be required to value what you value.
As mentioned, I value being tech-savvy and up-to-date with technology. I’m subscribed to weekly emails with tips for using spreadsheets and consider these types of skills fundamental to life. However, these are just my values. They’re not some objective values everyone should have. If your partner isn’t motivated to change a behavior, it may be because some of their values are different from yours.

5. Look at your practical options.
If your partner isn’t going to change fundamentally, then what are your options, other than continually banging your head against a brick wall? When you accept your partner’s flaws, it can help you mentally move on to thinking about what practical options are available. How can you minimize the impact that their flaws and weaknesses have on you? What are the practical workarounds? If they’re still going to exhibit the flaw, how can you reduce the stress that it creates for you?
For instance, when it comes to time management, the problems in your household are solved if we plan to be anywhere 30 minutes before we actually need to be there. If we plan to be 30 minutes early, we end up being on-time. It still somewhat annoys me that this needs to be the solution, because it’s inefficient and often means getting up earlier than I would’ve needed to if I were only organizing myself, but the reality is that it solves the problem, removes the most significant consequences, and means we get to the airport on time, etc.
Scilla Yung

A VERY CRITICAL PREPARATION BEFORE MARRIAGE

Whether a marriage will last or not depends on the foundation laid and the motives of both partners involved . Marriage, unlike dating, has more to do with responsibilities than feelings. Why? Because feelings stems from our senses. So it may be what we saw, what we smelled, what we heard, what we touched, what we “tasted” ect., that resulted to how we begun to feel about a person. That feeling, is most often mistaken to be Love. No, it isn’t. It’s a response of our senses. This feeling is equal to passion. We display a lot of passion (feeling) when we meet a person for the first time and begin to date them. This passion blinds us and we forget to learn all the responsibilities dating couples should exhibit before marriage which are imperative in marriage proper. Remember, Marriage has got a lot to do with responsibilities than feelings (passion). Even though a little of passion is needed, marriages based mostly on that destroy in the event of dead (failed) passion (feeling) perhaps due to old age (beauty diminishes), accidents, sickness (may smell) , disinterest, etc. However, Responsibilities never die. They remain till dust settles (death). That is the essence of Marriage.
Furthermore, any one who wishes to enter into the institution of Marriage should have the knowledge above. He or she should cage every passion (feeling/emition) so to speak. When feelings (passion or emotions) are very high, a dating couple is tempted to dwell on the senses and make serious mistakes such as Sex with the partner, uncontrolled anger, jealousy, enviness etc. So it is very important to cage all emotions. If we cage an emotion (feeling/passion) such as Sex, we build trust and respect. It reduces unnecessary jealousy and decrease Insecurity. If you start preparation to marriage with sex (passion, feelings or emotions), it destroys trust and respect. If care is not taken, sex would now be what the couple may concentrate on and forget about the most important things like learning to communicate, properly learning the likes and dislikes of each partner, learning forgiveness, knowing each other’s family well and sharing of goals and ways to achieve them, and many other important things. So learn to keep all emotions caged and let responsibility and being responsible fill your mind through till marriage and beyond.

SKEPTICISM (DOUBTS) – The Two Sides of a Coin

Another important reminder to would be couples is to ironically “release” all Skepticism (Doubts) before concenting to marry.
Yes Release (put away completely) doubts. Have full trust for your partner, and never doubt them. This is the only way to increase Love and to create happiness between you two when you finally marry without unnecessary suspicion and Insecurities.

On the other side of the Coin, you must Release (put to play or exercise) Skepticism (doubt) before you finally settle on the decision to marry your partner – yes don’t believe everything. Know that with dating and courtship, most people pretend to get what they want(marriage). So you must be very observant and smart so as to identify serious red flags to help conclude on matters.

So you see, You need to “Release” Doubts and skepticism in all two ways as seen on both sides of the same coin.
Of course other factors aside what has been discussed in this article should also be taken into consideration before making a permanent decision on marriage.

In a nutshell, Before one marries, he or she should solidly base the Marriage decision on mutual desire to be responsible to each other, and allow the growth and well being of each other without prejudice or selfishness based on emotions or passions. There should be enough trust for each other whiles being observant at the same time, yes being observant to identify flaws and to make a perpetually decision on whether to marry that particular person or not.

Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor)

HOW FAMILY CAN BE TOXIC TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE

Family is everything. Family is the very foundation and the core of our very existence and a lifetime haven. Yes, nothing can be compared to family.
It is however, very disturbing to bring to your attention that Family can be very toxic (either plainly or tacitly) to the growth of an individual, specially with regard to his or her Relationship or Marriage.
We should understand that whenever a person (male or female) accepts to be with us, they are bound to our family as well and anything our family does (even to us, not our spouse) affects them (our spouses) directly. Yes, it has a re-echoing and an indelible effect on the mind and very being of our partners and this can greatly affect the relationship positively or negatively.
That is why in the Akan dialect, they say , “If you marry a person, you marry his or her family.”
Apparently, most of the problems a couple may face that make them unhappy comes from their respective toxic family members, and this can ruin the relationship or marriage eventually. We should always bear in mind that not all family members will completely love who we bring home as a spouse and so you should be very cautious of how you expose your partner to the utterances and actions of those toxic family members. Yes, you should listen to some of the advice they give you regarding your new spouse but at the end of the day, you are the main actor of your life and you should know what you want and protect it for the rest of your life, to safeguard your own future and family.
Let’s take a critical look at the following situations where Family can be very toxic so we act accordingly to protect our spouses if the need arises.

Never allow family members to decide on the suitability of your partner for you, unless you yourself have enough reasons to believe that. Some family members, in so doing, seek their own selfish interests. It could be the fact that they instinctively hate a particular tribe, or they feel this marriage or relationship will drain you of money such that they can’t fully enjoy your wealth or for other frivolous reasons.
Be the one to decide on your spouse, if not, It’s like you are lost in your own judgement. You are the one going to live with your spouse and you should know what is good for you. Do not ask for opinions whatsoever. Many opinions would only result in confusion and dilemma. Just know what you want for you.
Be mindful of how you expose your partner’s weakness to your family. You may think you are seeking for help or some sort of compensation or justification, but they will only act to ruin your marriage or relationship.
Don’t be too worried of the challenges you face with your spouse, such that your “suffering registers on your face” to be seen by family members. They will act in anyway to “free” what belongs to them (you). It could be financial problems, barrenness, petty quarrels, etc. Just learn to manage your own mess and be patient as things get better. Everyone has problems too.
Do not be overly burdened with the needs of your family, such that it affects the needs of your spouse or immediate family. Never allow your spouse to sense that pressure on you. Find a shrewd way to sort out your responsibility to your extended family members and keep your spouse out of the picture even if she or he opts to be part. They will only end up forming ill-ideologies about your family and you.
Apply wisdom when you are talking with your parents or siblings when your spouse is around. Most spouse eavesdrops on your conversations in your oblivion. They may feel deeply hurt by your comments during such conversations and she or he might not tell you immediately. She or he might just act upon it with battered emotions!
Always assure and reassure your spouse of how important she is to you in the face of all the pressures that may come from family members. It may be her or his in laws etc. Let her or him feel how important they are without necessarily disrespecting your own family.
As much as possible, try not to discuss the problems of your own family to your spouse. Most often than not, it creats a bad impression in the mind of your spouse about you and your family and they feel burdened too. For example, do not tell a blunder (such as adultery on the part of your elder brother) to your wife. You will only end up describing your own self to her, because she sees you as one people.
Keep a reasonable distance between your spouse and your family. As the saying goes, ” familiarity breeds contempt, thus as you try to dispose your wife to the extreme familiarity and company of your family, she might be badly hurt and disappointed by certain actions of some family members. Just ensure both parties are in favourable terms “from a distance”.
You love your family. Yes, you do, but as a married man or woman, you have finally come to stick to your partner to form one flesh, beware of breeching that, to the satisfaction of family. Always prove to your wife or husband that she or he is safe with you, come what may!
Try to assist most family members at a distance. Allowing family members to parade your home is very dangerous. They could see that “mansion” you have built and compare it to what you give them and how they are “suffering” while having you as a family member. They could do anything to rob you of the joy you and your spouse deserve. So it might not be expediently necessary to allow them to be coming to your home too often while you could deal with them from “afar”. Most of them are in your abode “to see things for themselves and report.

Yes no matter how well-meaning the actions and reactions of our family members could be, we should be very careful it doesn’t interfere in the joy and solidarity you and your spouse are meant to enjoy. Know what you want in life and set goals for yourself with your spouse. Do your best to avoid toxic family members from ruining your relationship or marriage. At the end, you will be lonely and empty; a space no family member can fill.

Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor)

WOMEN – WHAT TO DO TO KEEP A MAN

Obviously, no one can absolutely please another including women trying to please their partners, but all hope is not lost.
You can still do things as a woman to keep your man around for as long as possible without losing his love. If a man is properly treated by a woman, nothing can take him away – at least not for long. Men who are emotionally and mentally tortured by the negative behavior of their wives tend to cheat and eventually break up with such women. Women should be like a solace to men, a safe haven, not a source of fire and bitterness to consume them.
These are some tips to keep your man to yourself and to maintain his love and affection for you.

1. Never Insult or verbally abuse a man
Unlike women who may love a man perhaps for his wealth, or social status, what really attracts a man to stay with a woman is Respect.
Have deep respect for your man (husband) and never use direct or suggestive insults on him. This demoralises men and makes them feel worthless. Men’s ego should always be boosted and it cannot be tainted or compromised.
No matter the issue at hand, talk calmly to him and give him respect. Don’t be fooled by the popular adage that Respect is reciprocal. Just do you part to protect and keep the man you love.

2. Minimize friendship with the opposite sex and your ex
Do not foolishly keep your ex-lover in the picture of your current relationship or marriage. Avoid this as much as possible.
Your husband or courting partner, as it were, should be your best male friend. Never trouble him with incessant calls or company of male friends or an ex lover. It dampens his ego and may breed insecurities in him. Let him feel on top of all men in the world and give him the sole honor of he being your everything. Yes he should be your King. Never take solace or comfort in a male friend in situations when you have conflicts at home; this can result in infidelity. Just know that your husband is the only man you know.

3. Be his mother but not your son
This sounds paradoxical, but the truth is, you need to pamper and care for your husband as a baby, and serve him as a mother serves a child, yet you shouldn’t treat him as a son or a small child in cases where you scold or shouts at him. Always use Soothing and soft words in him and give him peace and satisfaction.

4. Trust him and his activities
You cannot keep a man for long if you don’t trust his activities outside home. As a bread winner, he has to “make a lot of moves” to provide for the home. Do not shout at him if he comes home late or seem busy. Just respectfully communicate your feelings and concerns to him and Never think he is cheating. Avoid unnecessary Naggings. Have full trust and love for your man and do your part as a wife.

5. Do not Starve your husband
The starving could be denial of good food, sex, or communication.
Always make sure you satisfy your husband in those regards. Remember, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, as the old adage goes. Try to improve your sex life with him and have a lot of fruitful conversations with him. Communicate often and build the Relationship for the better.

6. Avoid third parties in your relationship
Do not unnecessarily introduce your man or husband to your female friends and never allow them come to your home or interfer in your relationship or marriage. Keep in-laws and siblings at their proper places and never sell out your husband. Do not expose secret happenings in your home to family and friends. Try to solve things amicably with your husband and maintain peace at home. Report extreme conflicts to family when necessary after all measures to curb it have proven futile.

7. Be supportive
Well, I’m not necessarily talking about money. If you decide to help your man with money, then be rest assured you are going to be the best in his eyes, that is like a bonus for you.
Support your husband always in constructive decision making and always be there for him. Help him care for the children and the home at large. After all, never forget you are his helper, as in the holy books.

8. Always be appealing to him
Learn new ways of dressing, learn to speak fluently, read to amass knowledge, learn a new skill and just be creative. Always look beautiful for him and stay attractive with desirable qualities and capabilities. Never be a boring or unattractive to see or be with as a wife or woman, be abreast with trends and time.

9. Avoid Nagging
A nagging woman or wife is as toxic to men as a poisonousness bitters. You will remain irritating and boring to your husband if you nag always. Just remain mindful in all situations and do not overly complain about everything. Just know how to communicate respectfully to your husband or man without nagging.

10. Do not allow Pregnancy and Childirth (children) get in the way

Do not relegate your husband to the background if you become pregnant or have children. Do not overly be into your children and neglect the love, attention and responsibilities your husband deserve. Always remind him that he is special and that he still has a place in your heart . The children of course, came to meet the two of you and you should never neglect or compromise your husband’s needs and replace with the caring of the children or pregnancy as an excuse. Never do that! Learn to remain balanced in catering for your children and husband.

11. Pray for him
A prayerful woman is a complete woman. Her prayerful nature works pretty well to the favor of her family. A prayerful woman remains vigilant and discipline to the needs of her husband and family. He always apply the God Factor in her dealings with her husband or man, and prays for him to succeed in all his endeavors. Yes, the make ups and buxums may attract a man, but a prayerful woman cretes and indelible impression in the hearts of men and they stand a high chance of keeping their husbands.

As stated early on, no matter what you do as a woman or wife, you may not be able to completely satisfy a man but doing these things will surely help to minimize the risk of losing your man or your marriage. Continue building your home, and never tear it apart – Be wise!

Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor) / 2020

LISTENING IS THE KEY.

Well, there is a difference between Listening and Hearing and it is extremely important that we understand the meaning of the two, so that we could avoid conflicts in our relationship and strengthen respect and trust between our partners and us. Listening is of the view to understand and perhaps act upon what (could be an information or report) you received during discussions, while Hearing is just using the ear to receive an information without paying particular attention to what is being said.
Do you often ask your partner to repeat what she said two years ago? Or do you act in a way contrary to a discussion you had with her? Or do you ask too many questions about talks you had about a decision or her problems. If your answers are Yes, then you weren’t listening, you just were Hearing what ever she had to say.
This reduces the confidence and trust your partner has in you and it might even result in disrespect, because you are unreliable.
Women have so many needs and most of them are solved just by Listening, nothing else Yes, Just that!
You need not to be quick in finding solutions to the problems your dates or your wife put before you. They just need a person to talk to and not solutions. So you see why listening abilities are a must in every successful relationship?

If you wish to change the way your wife perceives you, increase her sexual satisfaction, and become in her mind the best man on earth, listen to her.

That means that you do not interrupt her with your stories, your thoughts on what she just said, or by changing the subject. Listen to her heart as well as her words. As she talks, ask yourself, “What is she feeling as she tells me this?” Even more importantly, ask yourself, “What is the message she really wants me to hear?” Once she knows that you are genuinely interested in her views, thoughts, and feelings, you can actually ask her those questions. However, do NOT ask them until you know that she knows that you are trying to understand her, not correct her or necessarily bring out solutions to prove you are a man and knows all.

This one thing can change you into a better husband or partner in one month: Each day, spend at least a half-hour just listening to your wife talk. Turn off the TV, cellphones, and radios. Find a place where there are no distractions, including interruptions from your children (if you have). Look directly into her eyes, and then ask a couple of questions to get her started. Comment only if she asks, or if you want to better understand something she just said. Show her that you enjoy hearing her talk, no matter how trivial (unimportant) the subject, because it helps you understand her better and love her more. Use facial expressions to show you really follow and empathize with what she is saying. You could tap her shoulders or hug her to show how you really care about what she is saying whiles she speaks. Intermittently, you could repeat things she says, nod or add up to complete statements she tries to make to let her know you are really attentive and following everything she says.
Improve your Relationship or Marriage today by Listening more and talking less!

Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor)

10 EFFECTIVE TIPS TO APPROACH AND WIN YOUR DREAM GIRL

So many men across the world find it very difficult and a very big deal to approach a lady and to propose and make their intentions known to them. Some end up losing their dream women to other guys who they are even better than. This can cause a lot of heartbreaks sometimes. To make matters worse, they sometimes succeed in flirting with women online, but to meet up and impress them the more becomes another problem. It seems the sight of a woman means “Horror” itself to them; they feel so scared to approach any woman. Well, any man, no matter his background, financial status or social standing can woo any woman to his favor even with women who seem to be above his league.
Generally, such men may lack skills in the following and thus, must work on them:

Eye Contact ( Never look away, or at the breast area of a girl, or forehead of her when approaching and talking to her. One must look into the eyes of a lady when talking to her. There should be an established eye contact to create connection between you and the girl. Do not over do it either, you may appear weird (like a pervert) if you over stare at her eyes. Just keep a moderate eye contact. This creates confidence.
Body Language
Make sure your shoulders are straight and head up when talking to a girl. Stand upright with the right foot in front. When sitting, sit upright and do not play with your hair or any object when talking to her. This also boosts confidence.
Facial Expressions.
If you have a nice smile, smile wide as you look into the eyes of the lady. If you are afraid she will sense it miles away. So keep the smile and look into her eyes.
Approach.
Do not allow a lady to passby before you call her. It shows lack of confidence. Do not stop a lady when she seem to be in a hurry. Always face her and meet her directly to talk to her. It shows confidence.
Appearance.
You need not to be rich. You just have to be neat and wear decent dresses. Choose colours that fit your skin tone and mostly you could wear Red to spice up your wordrobe. Wear dresses you feel comfortable inside and appear appealing.
Be Touchy.
While talking to a woman be bold to touch her whiles giving her compliments. Like you hold her waist while praising how beautiful it looks like. You could also hold her hands or even hug her. This takes confidence and to your surprise, she wouldn’t complain.
Moblie Number Exchange
Do not be in a haste to take her number. Enjoy the conversation you are having with her for a long time and sometimes they would even be the one to give you the contact number. Do not act as if it is the number you only need. Ladies will see you as just one of the toasters chasing for numbers. They might block you if you call back.
Be funny and make her laugh
This doesn’t mean you need to be some sort of “Mr. Bean, or Charlie Chaplain”. All what it means is that say things that will make her smile and avoid anything like politics or her age or too much religion.
Just keep the conversation on her interests and create humor around them for her to smile.
Know when to Call or Text
Sometimes you need to create suspense in her mind by waiting for a week before calling. When you call, start by sparking off a funny occurrence during the time you met. It could be, ” I guess you didn’t wear that beautiful but long heels that nearly chopped off your leg”. This will spark off familiarity and a ground to build further conversation.
Assume she is one of your friends
One way to boost confidence when approaching a lady is to be yourself and take her to be one of your female pals. Talk to her in your normal self and be real as possible. Establish a mind that you already know her and that she is already yours. Follow that zeal and success is yours.

Most often than not, woman usually want men to approach them but they want men who are confident in themselves and know what they want. So the next time you try wooing a lady you really like, try the tips just discussed. Never give up, until you win her.

Koenza News / Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor) / 2020

SECRETS TO A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP(COUPLE)

Have you ever wondered why some relationships look so promising, yet dissolve over time? And why do others, whose partners seem hopelessly mismatched, grow stronger and even become happier than ever before? Much research has tried to identify the individual characteristics that make for a successful relationship, including how couples deal with conflict or communicate. All shed some light on what may underlie relationship success. Yes for those of us who are spiritually inclined, we know full well that God cannot be missed in a successful relationship and that a relationship that is built on the foundation of God lasts very long and the couples involved become happy.
For a strong and solid Relationship , the couple must first exhibit two broad qualities – LOVE and RESPECT
Let’s try to break down theses giant qualifies into various aspects of their everyday life. A Happy couple exhibits the following:

1. The Willingness to forgo personal interest an put their partners interests and needs ahead of theirs. Letting go of self-interest in this way leads to a long lasting happy Relationship. Staying glued to your own ego and interests will only result in fights and misunderstandings all the time

2. They feel appreciated by their partner and also appreciate their partners.They place a very high value on their partner and let them stand tall above all that matters; Let them feel special at all times

3. They Develop a listening ear for their partners. They endeavor to always listen to their partner to understand them, but not just to hear. Maintaining Eye contact with their partner whenever they are communicating with them. This shows genuine interest in whatever their partner is saying.

4. A high level of mutual sex understanding. Your partner might be very adventurous when it comes to sex and as married partners, they should have mutual understanding of what they both like and exhibit them.

5. Happy couples know how to manage their anger, they do not insult each other in heated arguments. If that happens, they are willing to apologise and face consequences without blaming anyone.

6. Happy couples clearly communicate what they feel, without assuming that the other partner should know. They are explicit about every little thing that matters to them, and talk about them with their partners

7. Happy couples easily forgive each other and do not hold grudges. They understand that each partner is fallible and could err. They don’t allow misunderstandings linger on for a long time.

8. No matter the schedule of the day, Happy couples get enough time for each other without excuses. They always make (not necessarily get) time for each other and make each other a priority.

9. Supports each other financially and physically. They Share and are caring to the needs of each other

10. Happy couples know the difference between privacy and secrecy. They do not keep Secrets but of course certain things may be private (do not necessarily have anything to do with the other) but they don’t keep secrets ( things embarrassing or dangerous for the other partner to be aware of).

These and many other fine qualities should be exhibited by both parties to make their relationship a happy one. They should be ready to occasionally consult mature partners or trusted counselors for the necessary help to keep spicing up their relationship.
Happiness, above all could be flinching (not stable) so being a happy couple is a continuous process which should not be halted. In case of downsides(difficulties) keep practicing these fine qualities to always revive the Relationship.

Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor)

WHY YOU NEVER WANT TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER

“I will be fine with my child, that is all I want; I don’t care about whether you leave or stay!”

The above statement is quite common among women who have a child or two with a man they are or not married to. It is a pathetic mistake for a woman to give birth out of wedlock or even in marriage and decides to quit in order to cater for the child singlehandedly. Having said that, some women may have genuine concerns as to the need to call for a separation in a relationship or marriage. Some of the reasons may be Physical Abuse, Infidelity (in marriage), irresponsible partners, poverty, cheating and so many others. Yes such reasons may be genuine and women might want to consider separation but this comes with a very great risk not just for them but for the child or children.
The situation becomes even worst when they are not married to the man and they get pregnant for him and decides to leave him just because of reasons that, all you want is the child as stated in the open paragraph of this presentation.
It is one of the biggest mistakes you would ever do. Never separate from a relationship for inconsequential reasons and think you would be fine with the child being the product of that relationship. Children can never give you that lifetime satisfaction They have their own place in your life, unless you decide to stay single perpetually. Besides, you are bound to take care of them forever and not vice versa – that is how it is supposed to be. That is why it is extremely important not to have a child with a man you don’t really love or don’t intend to have a family with. The disadvantages associated with such break ups after child birth always circumvents that of the benefits you might have reasoned to enjoy.
Let’s take a look of some of the dangers or risks associated with being a single mother.

1. Your Preferences in choosing a partner suffer as a woman
At first glance of this point you might have asked yourself, “How?”. Yes your value as a woman deppreciates.” One of the ways is that you tend to settle for “any man”, which might not be your original preference in life, just because of the child. You might only ressonate with a man who would “accept” the child. So, the bottom line is that now you factor the interest of the child in choosing the life partner and let your personal values or interests suffer.

2. Your Character as a woman becomes questionable
The fact that you are alone with a child might raise questions in potential partners’ minds. If you were a woman of substance an of good character, why would a man leave you? That is what most men might reason. Perhaps the breakup might not necessarily be your fault but your character still becomes questionable. So men who approach you already have a formed ideology about your persona. That is why you need to select carefully when it comes to a life partner, then marry, before you give birth.

3. Most men don’t find single moms attractive
The mere thought of another man impregnating you and having a child with you, puts a lot of men off. You might only be “used” by a man if care is not taken without you being taken seriously. Men, no matter the age, want a women who is single and without any external attachments.

4. Possible Breach of Privacy in Subsequent Relationship or Marriage.

The child is part of you and you cannot do a thing with your newly found man or husband without considering the child. Your partner sees the child as a big deal because they are not his. You might take it as normal but your partner might want to enjoy a peaceful life with his wife alone.

5. Possible Insecurity and Distrust
A man is always insecure of a single mom, when it comes to the father of the child. It is always said that children create a bond between two people and to some extent, it is true. The father of the child has every right to call the woman and demand the whereabout of the child or even visit. This may be very uncomfortable for some men.

6. The Children Suffer from the effects of broken homes
Children always have a deficiency of the moral, physical, emotional and spiritual provisions that would have been provided by both parents. Since the father is gone, the child suffers a deficiency. If they are faced with challenges of life, they tend to be fraustated and depressed. We can’t talk about the effects of broken homes on Children without taking about the ill treatments some of them receive from step parents.

7. Difficulties in child’s upbringing
Financial difficulties are common with single mothers. Of course fathers play a very significant role in the upbringing of a child, by providing food, cloth and shelter for the child. In his absence, the woman is sure to have a very tough life in this regard.

8. Loss of interest in Marriage
The child or children of a single mom becomes like a lifetime “trophy” for them. They tend to be content with the children and may not be interested in settling down. They may channel all energies in catering for the children and marriage is relegated to the background.

It is very important for women to understand that, there is absolutely no point in becoming pregnant for a man you are not sure of marrying. It is a dangerous decision for both the woman and the child. Spare an innocent child of all the troubles and hardship of life by making them “fatherless”. Child birth should only be considered after settling on, and marrying our preferred life partners. I hope good health reaches you and make great choices now!

WHY WOULD A MAN PAY FOR SEX?

Far too often we talk about sex as simply a physical act. A way to scratch an itch, “get off,” or release some building sexual tension. Marriage partners or people in Relationships may cheat on their wives by paying for sexual pleasures with another woman and this is becoming a fast moving trend.
But, of course, sex can be so much more than that. In the context of a consensual partnership, sex can be a way to experience closeness and connection, a way to express love and affection, a way to tap into a more sensual and playful side of ourselves, and perhaps even a way to escape the demands and stresses of Relationship and life in general, for a few moments. The following are some of the reasons why some men (married or unmarried) pay for sex.

An Agreement to Stay Without Sex Until Marriage

As a form of satisfying their sexual desire and staying true to their platonic relationship with their partners, men pay for sex to stay “faithful” in the eyes of their partners and to discover themselves sexually. Among other reasons, including religious reasons a courting couple may decide to stay platonic until marriage. Most men in such Relationships secretly pay to have sex with other women or even sex workers.

2. Losing One’s Virginity
Some young man who are inexperienced in sex (virgins) may pay for sex to satisfy the desire to know all what sex is about. In that sense, they are paying for sex as a means of losing their virginity.

These men tend to describe being a virgin as something negative or embarrassing. Whether they are in their late teens or early twenties, these men feel they are too old to be a virgin and wished to rid themselves of the title.
These men typically describe feeling shy and nervous when talking to or approaching women “in real life.” They view paid sex as a space where they could overcome their insecurities and low self-esteem and sidestep their awkwardness in approaching women, while still being able to lose their virginity.

3. Removing Rejection

Some men describe feeling immense pressure when dating, in which the first sexual encounter felt like a performance that could either make things more serious or end a relationship altogether. (The lady might be disappointed in the poor sexual performance of the man)
These men describe the fear that if a woman did not want to see him again after having sex, it was interpreted as being a result of a poor sexual performance on his end. In that sense, sex in the early stages of a relationship was riddled with the potential for rejection.
In contrast, paid sex allowed for a shared understanding of what was (and was not) going to follow sex. Both the man paying for sex and the sex worker understood the nature of the transaction and there were no misunderstandings about there being a potential future together.

4. Sexual Skills
There continues to be a dominant discourse about men needing to be sexually skilled and the ones who provide sexual pleasure. In the context of paid sex, however, men describe that these pressures decrease.
Further, men not only feel pressured to be sexually skilled with a sex worker, they indicated that the sex worker was expected to have sexual skills. Some men indicated that through paid sex, they actually could learn new sexual skills that they might use with their partners in the quest to satisfy their partners.

5. Sexually Starved Men
Some men could actually pay for sex if they are denied sex by their partners for a long time. To avoid flights and misunderstandings at home, they rather solve this by going elsewhere for sex.

6. Peer Influence
So many men engage in paid sex as a result of the influence of workmates, or close friends. They are brainwahsed into believing that there are more fun and adventure outside the scope of marriage or relationship. Hence, they decide to give it a try.

7. Navigating Sexual Difficulties such as Pregnancy and Infections
Paid sex is also described as giving some men a non-threatening context where they felt safe to engage in sex despite their sexual concerns, including the fear of being unable to have an erection.
In addition, men indicate that they feel more comfortable asking for specific needs to be met in order to have or maintain their erections without the feelings of vulnerability they might otherwise experience (or fear experiencing) with a partner.
They also feel that paid sex is more secured and that they would by no means contract STDs or get a paid sex worker pregnant.

8. As a Haven to manage Anxieties
There are a lot of pressures that accompany marriage and dating. Men see paid sex as a source of refuge to release stress and to manage anxieties just like some would opt to sit at a pub to drink and smoke their heads off.

This would serve as a check or indications for men who have sex with other women or sex workers and also women who might be wondering why their partners cheated or are cheating amongst other reasons.

WHY IS SELF-AWARENESS SO IMPORTANT?

Self Awareness goes beyond noticing what makes you happy, your strengths and weaknesses. Self – Awareness is the full consciousness of oneself. For a person to be successful in life, he needs to have adequate knowledge about himself, which includes what he knows about himself and what he doesn’t know. The things he knows, always demand drastic improvement and adaptations to situations whiles the things he doesn’t know brings a whole new discovery of oneself through experiences, research and observations. These are all key to personal development.
The psychological examination of self-awareness can be linked to psychologists Shelley Duval and Ruber Wicklund’s theory which proposed: “When we focus our attention on ourselves, we evaluate and compare our current behavior to our internal standards and values. We become self-conscious as objective evaluators of ourselves.”

In other words, self-awareness is a cornerstone of our emotional intelligence. This ability to examine our emotions and thoughts is key to understanding ourselves better, coming to terms with who we are, and positively handling our thoughts, emotions, and actions. The more you pay attention to your emotions and how you act or react, the better you grasp your motivations behind your actions. The more aware you are of your own habits, the easier it becomes to improve or alter those habits.

A deeper awareness also allows us to truly create a new path and live out our authentic destiny without living in other people’s shadows. With a greater self-awareness, you can avoid making the same mistakes again and again. It also helps you gain momentum to move forward and accomplish your goals. One way to establish your self-awareness is through an awakening and while this won’t happen for everyone, there are many other ways to be mindful and aware.

Developing deeper self-awareness starts with an examination of our core beliefs and then digging into what I like to call our “ONE Thing and 3P’s” – Passion, Purpose, and Principle, which guide our broader actions in life. In order to discover your ONE Thing and 3P’s you have to ask the following questions:

Who am I and what am I here for? What is the ONE Thing I am supposed to do and accomplish in my life, and what does that mean for me right now?
What is my PURPOSE? How to take my ONE Thing and activate it in the world?
What am I PASSIONATE about and how can I do more of that?
What do I value, and how can I develop these PRINCIPLES so they define my character for the rest of my life?

I know firsthand that answering some, if not all, of these questions, can be extremely difficult, especially for those of you who are in the early stages of adulthood. Looking inward is not easy, it may be uncomfortable or leave you despondent with what you uncover.

That said, by training your mind to enter a state of insight, you prepare yourself for mental growth. I personally suggest you utilize these tools to help assess your 3 P’s.

Insight Meditation – allows you to dwell upon and consider an internal aspect of your self, such as an emotion, belief, habit, or thought pattern. By calling attention to an issue and allowing your mind to focus on self-observation, you can gain new insights that you had not taken the time or effort to consider.

Contemplation – while insight meditation is inward facing, contemplation uses an external source of inspiration, such as a poem, a bible verse or a song. As you contemplate and reflect upon the meanings of these things, you may be challenged by the particular beliefs and possibly gain insight that contrast with your entrenched beliefs. Challenging yourself is a fantastic way to self-motivate and trigger inner growth.

Journaling – serves as a great complement to these other drills. Writing not only helps us process our thoughts but also leads to inner peace and connection with ourselves. Writing down and digging up our deepest desires, thoughts, fears, goals and other emotions help you mark and notice patterns of thought; especially patterns of negative thinking that are paramount to change. I’ve found that journaling even just 10 minutes a day can help to center yourself and reflect on who you are, where you are in your life and where you want to go. By making this a habit, you can continue to build your self-awareness and watch your inner warrior grow and learn.

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem… that’s true in every aspect of life. The more you know about yourself, the better you will become at adapting to the changes in life. Self-awareness is, at its most basic, introspection; being aware of your needs and acting on them to help you become your true self.

Self-mastery and self-awareness take years of work and contemplation, but identifying these things is extremely important for your psychological and physiological well-being. As humans, we will likely never fully understand ourselves, if such a thing is even possible. However, the journey and process of exploring, understanding and becoming our better selves lead to a life well lived. The life of a true warrior.

Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor)