HOW FAMILY CAN BE TOXIC TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE

Family is everything. Family is the very foundation and the core of our very existence and a lifetime haven. Yes, nothing can be compared to family.
It is however, very disturbing to bring to your attention that Family can be very toxic (either plainly or tacitly) to the growth of an individual, specially with regard to his or her Relationship or Marriage.
We should understand that whenever a person (male or female) accepts to be with us, they are bound to our family as well and anything our family does (even to us, not our spouse) affects them (our spouses) directly. Yes, it has a re-echoing and an indelible effect on the mind and very being of our partners and this can greatly affect the relationship positively or negatively.
That is why in the Akan dialect, they say , “If you marry a person, you marry his or her family.”
Apparently, most of the problems a couple may face that make them unhappy comes from their respective toxic family members, and this can ruin the relationship or marriage eventually. We should always bear in mind that not all family members will completely love who we bring home as a spouse and so you should be very cautious of how you expose your partner to the utterances and actions of those toxic family members. Yes, you should listen to some of the advice they give you regarding your new spouse but at the end of the day, you are the main actor of your life and you should know what you want and protect it for the rest of your life, to safeguard your own future and family.
Let’s take a critical look at the following situations where Family can be very toxic so we act accordingly to protect our spouses if the need arises.

1. Never allow family members to decide on the suitability of your partner for you, unless you yourself have enough reasons to believe that. Some family members, in so doing, seek their own selfish interests. It could be the fact that they instinctively hate a particular tribe, or they feel this marriage or relationship will drain you of money such that they can’t fully enjoy your wealth or for other frivolous reasons.
2. Be the one to decide on your spouse, if not, It’s like you are lost in your own judgement. You are the one going to live with your spouse and you should know what is good for you. Do not ask for opinions whatsoever. Many opinions would only result in confusion and dilemma. Just know what you want for you.
3. Be mindful of how you expose your partner’s weakness to your family. You may think you are seeking for help or some sort of compensation or justification, but they will only act to ruin your marriage or relationship.
4. Don’t be too worried of the challenges you face with your spouse, such that your “suffering registers on your face” to be seen by family members. They will act in anyway to “free” what belongs to them (you). It could be financial problems, barrenness, petty quarrels, etc. Just learn to manage your own mess and be patient as things get better. Everyone has problems too.
5. Do not be overly burdened with the needs of your family, such that it affects the needs of your spouse or immediate family. Never allow your spouse to sense that pressure on you. Find a shrewd way to sort out your responsibility to your extended family members and keep your spouse out of the picture even if she or he opts to be part. They will only end up forming ill-ideologies about your family and you.
6. Apply wisdom when you are talking with your parents or siblings when your spouse is around. Most spouse eavesdrops on your conversations in your oblivion. They may feel deeply hurt by your comments during such conversations and she or he might not tell you immediately. She or he might just act upon it with battered emotions!
7. Always assure and reassure your spouse of how important she is to you in the face of all the pressures that may come from family members. It may be her or his in laws etc. Let her or him feel how important they are without necessarily disrespecting your own family.
8. As much as possible, try not to discuss the problems of your own family to your spouse. Most often than not, it creats a bad impression in the mind of your spouse about you and your family and they feel burdened too. For example, do not tell a blunder (such as adultery on the part of your elder brother) to your wife. You will only end up describing your own self to her, because she sees you as one people.
9. Keep a reasonable distance between your spouse and your family. As the saying goes, ” familiarity breeds contempt, thus as you try to dispose your wife to the extreme familiarity and company of your family, she might be badly hurt and disappointed by certain actions of some family members. Just ensure both parties are in favourable terms “from a distance”.
10. You love your family. Yes, you do, but as a married man or woman, you have finally come to stick to your partner to form one flesh, beware of breeching that, to the satisfaction of family. Always prove to your wife or husband that she or he is safe with you, come what may!
11. Try to assist most family members at a distance. Allowing family members to parade your home is very dangerous. They could see that “mansion” you have built and compare it to what you give them and how they are “suffering” while having you as a family member. They could do anything to rob you of the joy you and your spouse deserve. So it might not be expediently necessary to allow them to be coming to your home too often while you could deal with them from “afar”. Most of them are in your abode “to see things for themselves and report.

Yes no matter how well-meaning the actions and reactions of our family members could be, we should be very careful it doesn’t interfere in the joy and solidarity you and your spouse are meant to enjoy. Know what you want in life and set goals for yourself with your spouse. Do your best to avoid toxic family members from ruining your relationship or marriage. At the end, you will be lonely and empty; a space no family member can fill.

Mr. Hko (Grammarian, Counselor)